11.02.2005

Nice Ass Ma'am

I went for a four mile run this morning. Okay, enough about running.
This afternoon I was coerced with very little effort to drive the "accessory cart" at a women-only "Throw Your Balls Golf Tournament." It was nine holes of hilarity. The ladies played best ball golf without using golf clubs. The objective was for the ladies to drive around like guys in golf carts, drink beer and throw the balls down the fairways, onto the green and into the hole. Four holes had special effects. The Two Little Pigs (well paid teenagers in pig costumes) were on hole 3 with an oversized slingshot that the ladies used to project their balls. Another was a longest drive hole with a man sitting in the middle of the fairway on a beach chair with an umbrella to judge, assist and flatter the "golfers." The Walk of Shame Hole allowed each woman to take one giant step closer to the green before throwing her ball for every lover in her life that she could name by his full name, out loud (the winner was quite a surprise in my judgment). The last hole provided tennis rackets to launch the balls from the tee box.
Now no self conscious woman can play silly games without being silly, so enter the accessory cart driven by Dietrich, the northeastern European cart driver who only knows three words in English. He wore snug blue jeans, a blue striped shirt, black tie and red beret in the home country tradition of Cassanovas. Dietrich's cart was laden with gobs of beads, tiaras, boas, bangle bracelets and magic wands which he graciously awarded each lady for doing anything he thought deserved his attention. Dietrich received a lot of attention of his own because whenever he was asked a question by the ladies he could only answer with the three words he knew, "Nice ass Ma'am." It was astounding how many questions the ladies had after a few beers.
After decking the entire field of golfers out in diva accessories Dietrich grabbed the video camera and went back around to capture the subtle and not so subtle adventures on the course, around the refreshment cart and special effect holes. It will make for a great home movie and ransom DVD.
So what did you do today for fun?

15 comments:

susie said...

Ah, Dietrich, at it again, I see. You are going to have to insist on being paid for these "adventures." What tough work for you:)

jeanne said...

oh my god, whatever job you have, can I have it?? That was hilarious!! I think I'd be disqualified from this game, pretty early on!

this was the best thing I read all day!

(And btw, i meant to thank you for your nice comment on my blistering speedathon time in the MCM!)

:)

Just12Finish said...

Are you sure you're not still in Dreamville, cos it sure sounds like one helluva dream come true to me!

Susan said...

That's pretty funny - where are the pictures? What is it you do for a living, because I want that job . . .

susie said...

I guess I misled people, didn't I? It's not his job, folks--just helping out a friend. He likes to make it *sound* like work...but his flirtatious self loves being around all those women.

David said...

I wish I had some pictures. It wasn't my camera but if I can get my hands on some snaps I'll post them.

Running Chick said...

i want IN on that game next year!

jeff said...

oh, what a riot. that would have been loads of fun to watch!

The Running Red Sox Fan said...

Where can I sign up for this???
Beer and accessories....what more can a woman ask for!
Not to mention being able to throw golf balls at random men!

Bex said...

Ooooh, I would have loved to play in that! Sounds insanely fun. And what a great job you had.

Mia Goddess said...

Jesus. I leave you alone for 5 minutes, and this is what I find?

Lara said...

Dietrich rides again!! How 'bout a pick in the snug blue jeans so we can give him back a "nice ass Mister!"

Run for Chocolate said...

I want to play, I want to play! How many lovers could the winner name? They had to name both first and last names?- Yikes the last names might be hard!

Dawn - Pink Chick said...

That sounded like so much fun. Heck if I could golf like that I might actually get somewhere. Clubs are such a hinderence - my stroke needs improvement.

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